Lord, this year, I want to hide more…

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Rock of Ages

Well, it’s been a month since I’ve written.  I hope all of my readers had a wonderful Christmas break—I know I did.  Even though it’s been a while, you have not been far from my thoughts.  I’ve been praying and considering what God wanted me to share with you next the whole time.  He’s laid several messages on my heart, the one I think He most wants me to share is especially pertinent as we begin a new year.  I pray it blesses you as you bless me.

 It’s common and, I believe, good practice at the beginning of each year to take stock at where we are in life, and where we want to be.  We make resolutions to improve our health, set personal and professional goals, and we reevaluate our relationship with our Heavenly Father.  Most of us set these resolutions with the best of intentions.  Even if we rarely achieve them, we desire to improve our lives.  This year, however, I’ve decided not to make any resolutions.  Instead of making a laundry list of new goals, this year I’ve decided to hide more.

 Before you go thinking I’m going to become a hermit, hear me out. Throughout this transition period that I’m in right now, God’s been reminding me of things.  He’s reminded me of the time when I was driving down the road on the way to a job I hated when I prayed, “Lord, I don’t know where this road I’m on is leading me, but I want You to lead my steps.  I give everything to You, and I want you to use me for Your glory.”  He’s been reminding me of verses like, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” Isaiah 55: 9.  And, 1 Corinthians 1:27 “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.”

I know God has been leading me down a path of total surrender to Him.  And, that may look messy.  It may make no sense to the world or even to those I love, but I know that He knows best.

 Now that you know from what part of my heart I’m speaking from, let me show you an area He’s been refining in me lately.  You see, in this time of transition He’s been really growing me.  He’s been showing me that He really can do all things.  And He’s been showing me more of His heart.  I used to think I had all the answers, but during this time of regrowth, He’s been showing me how to love others like He does, and how to see the world through His eyes.  My eyes are sinful and limiting, but His eyes are perfect and are limitless.

 All of this brings me to my decision to hide more.  One of my favorite old hymns illustrates what I’m hoping to achieve.  Here’s the story behind the hymn. (There is some disagreement about whether this actually happened, but I’m including it because it’s a wonderful illustration).  Augustus Toplady, a young Methodist minister serving in England, was traveling home one evening after particularly hard day.  It’s not known exactly what caused his weariness, but being in his twenties and already a preacher, it’s not hard to imagine what he had dealt with that day.  Toplady was not a popular young man.  He was eccentric and often considered rude.  Though he was brilliant and known for his academic achievements, he wasn’t good with people, and he wasn’t accepted.  This day had been difficult for him.  As he traveled home, it began to rain.  (Can’t you just sense his exasperation at this development?)  Before long the rain was so strong that he couldn’t see anything and he was losing footing.  At the exact time he needed it most, he came to a large rock, and even in the dark and with the rain pouring down all around him he found a cleft, or a crevice, just the size for him to squeeze into.  It was there that he came up with the first line from his most famous hymn, “Rock of ages, cleft for me, let me hide myself in thee…”

 Toplady only lived to be 38 years old.  He lived a sickly life and had a short ministry.  However, during that time, he learned how important it is to keep Christ first in your life.  Toplady was known for being strong-willed and obstinate, but in his personal writings we see him as a humble follower of Christ who believed  that Christ came to earth as a “double cure.”  He came to save us from our sins, and thusly from hell, but He also came to save us from ourselves.  He wants to make us righteous. That righteousness comes from Him, and not from ourselves.  It means that I am unable to live a life free from sin, but rather that I must allow Him to live through me.  I must hide myself in Him.  I must hide.

 This year, I want to live in His double cure.  This year, I want to focus on Christ first; I want to hide in the Rock and take in the fullness of the life He has given me.  I want to know what it’s like to be fully infused by His living water.  I want to understand more, love more, and share more, but I want to do this centered in Him.  So, this year, I’m not making resolutions, but I am resolute.  This year will be better than all of my other years combined.  This year will be about Him because I’m hiding in my Rock.

Staying Alert in Christ,

Megan

Playlist:

Rock of Ages, Chris Rice:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvlUiE_QMbU

All You Ever Wanted, Casting Crowns:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ea-uQFPcvaM

Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone), Chris Tomlin:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-mNT0axB9U

Lord, how do I keep Christmas in my heart…

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Christmas state of mind

“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.”  –Charles Dickens

There are two seasons that I love.  Christmas and Easter.  I love the emotions both bring to the surface of my consciousness.  I love that both center around our church events and that both are centered in Christ.  However, lately I’ve felt burdened about the role I allow Christ to play in our Christmas traditions.

 When I was in college learning to be a teacher, we often discussed how to help our students to fully grasp deep concepts.  One such approach was the “Contributions Approach.”  In this approach we would talk about important issues and events around the holidays or birthdays that celebrated them.  For instance, teachers would teach a unit about the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. and his important contribution to our society around his birthday each year.  This approach is an “easy” way to discuss important events and topics while keeping your students on schedule with their pre-planned curriculum.  Many teachers use this approach, and have for many generations.  The problem is, it doesn’t work very well.

 The “Contributions Approach” to teaching doesn’t offer depth.  It gives your student a glimpse into the window of a subject, but because the point is to be able to stay on track with other curriculum, it usually doesn’t last more than a couple days and then the teacher moves on to the “more important” curriculum to keep the class on track for the year.  Please don’t get me wrong.  I’m not condemning teachers who do this, have done this, or will do this in the future. The truth is, it’s easy, and it does garner results—but not the results it would have, had the teacher had–or taken–the time to do things a little differently.

 Isn’t this what we do at Christmas? We have so many wonderful traditions.  It’s a time for family, friends, and communion.  It’s a time when we cherish those around us.  And, during this precious time, we pause to remember “The reason for the season.”

Wait, did I say that right?

We pause.  We break from our normally scheduled programing to think of Christ.  Wow.  That doesn’t seem right.  We too just give our children a glimpse into the window of what Christ did when he visited our little world, but we don’t give Him anymore time than we have to, so we can keep on track with our other, more important, activities.

 When we celebrate our daughter’s birthday every year, we make it an event.  She usually has two to three get-togethers—a “friend” party, and a get-together for both sides of her family.  We spend time planning out her favorite foods, her favorite activities, and we take time to thank God for Mattie being brought into our lives.  What if we did this for Jesus?  After all, it’s His birthday.  What if we made everything we did about Him instead of about us?

 What would that look like you ask?   It might not look that different.  Maybe instead of meeting for Christmas Eve service and then leaving to meet with your family, you take time at your meal to Welcome Jesus at your table.  Maybe you share your favorite part of the Christmas story and why.  (I think our kids would definitely benefit from hearing the adults be humble and share how Christ has touched them).  Perhaps it’s making an extra spot at your Christmas dinner for a family in need who can’t afford a dinner at all.  However, it definitely is taking personal time to connect with that baby in the manger.

 At a youth event this last year, I heard a speaker talking about Jesus coming to live with us.  I thought he was going to say something generic like, “How would you live if Jesus came to stay at your house?”  But this speaker took a different approach.  He asked why we haven’t signed the mortgage of our house over to God.  That we aren’t to just give him a room and a place at the table—our job is to surrender everything to Him, who was willing to surrender everything for us.  That’s a radical mindset and it will change the world.  Imagine if this Christmas we did that.  Imagine if we didn’t just read the Christmas story to our kids, but we connected with them about the depth that was in it…then imagine if we didn’t just do this at Christmas or at Easter.  Imagine if we did it all year round.  How would that change us?  How would it change our kids?  How would that change the world?

Lord, this Christmas, I want to be sold out to you.  I want to make You the priority and not just fit You in where I can.  This Christmas let my daughter see how much I love you.  Let my radical faith be a witness so You can transform her life and the world—just like you did with that sweet baby so many years ago.  Help me to honor Christmas in my heart and keep it all year.  Amen

I think I need a helmet Lord…

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Dickens

I know I’m not alone when I sometimes get stressed during the holidays.  There’s so much pressure to get the right gifts, in addition to regular work schedules and family time.  Then there are all the “Christmas traditions” that I feel we need to do.  I feel very overwhelmed and under-appreciated at times.  One of those “under-appreciated times” happened just a couple days ago after picking Mattie up from school.  We were listening to the radio and a spot came on from Focus on the Family.  The spot talked about the importance of making and preserving Christmas traditions.  Immediately I thought of making homemade bread, ornaments, and candies with Mattie each year.  I thought of the special times spent with family and how we take treats to our neighbors.  I thought, “Wow, I’ve got this down!”  Then my balloon was popped—well maybe popped isn’t strong enough of a word.  My balloon was dive-bombed.

“Mom, why don’t we have any special traditions?” was the innocent question from the backseat.  And I felt the impact, Pow!  Right on the noggin!  “WHAT!?!?”  I thought.  How could she not know the amount of work I put into Christmas each year?  How could she not realize how much I focus on making memories with her?  How could she ask that question?   I immediately got defensive.  “We have tons of traditions.  What are you talking about?” Came my snippy reply.  “No we don’t,” came her argumentative complaint. “We do the same things everyone else does.  We don’t do anything special!”

Wow, that really rang my bell.  The strong-willed side of me wanted to say, “Well if you think that, we won’t do any of our traditions this year and see how you like it!”  But, I held my tongue.  I started listing all of the things we do together as a family.  One by one, Mattie started to see the work I put into Christmas for her and our family each year.  Here are a couple lessons I’ve learned from this heart-wrenching conversation.

1.  Don’t assume.  Don’t assume your child knows or sees everything.   They are still young and sometimes they add two and two and get zero. Don’t assume they see and appreciate the family time…..which leads me to my next point.

 2.  Be intentional.  Ask your child, “Why do you think we bake bread every year at Christmas?”  Tell them that you’re trying to make good memories and teach them important lessons during this special season. This is something I’m trying to do in other areas of my daughter’s life as well.  I’m realizing how much she misses—just because I don’t tell her.  I assume she knows.  The other day, I spent 20 minutes telling her how smart she is.  She honestly didn’t know that I thought she was smart.  But, how could she?  I don’t tell her.  We all go about our business expecting that our children understand why we do what we do.  But, sometimes they don’t.  We have to be intentional with telling them they are loved, they are treasured, they are smart, they are talented.  This applies to their relationship with Christ as well.  We have to tell them how much God loves them EVERY day.  If we don’t, the world will tell them the opposite.

3.  Don’t stop.  As our children grow older, we tend to stop teaching them.  I know I have.  Mattie understands so much more now.  She’s intuitive and brave, but she’s not an adult.  She misses things (truth be told, so do most adults)—things that are important, like traditions.   Now that she sees all the traditions we do, she knows that she’s special and that her family loves her.  She sees how her father and I treasure her because we desire to spend time with her.  But, she didn’t see it before.  She saw a stressed out mom who put way too much pressure on herself.  And that leads to the next big lesson—

4.  Don’t over do it.  There’s so much pressure right now with moms trying to be perfect.  You can’t be perfect.  God didn’t make you perfect.  Let go of that aspiration.  Instead, focus on the things your child likes to do with you.  Mattie loves art and crafts.  We make new ornaments for our tree each year.  We also purchase special ones from Hobby Lobby as a family.  It’s fun and it’s special.  We bake bread and make candy (this doesn’t happen every year because it depends on when Christmas break falls), but I don’t go overboard teaching her how to make the fanciest fudge.  We take a simple recipe and we make that.  The point is not perfection but  to make the time precious.

5.  Don’t save all your traditions for Christmas.  Take time each and every day to be intentional to spend time with your child.  We pray together as a family each and every day; we also cook supper together, and do chores together.  My resolution this year is to eat more meals at the table together and to read the Word together daily.  I read mine, but I don’t share it with my daughter everyday.

Proverbs 22:6  “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”  Read to your child, talk about what’s going on in your life, share how God’s changing you every day, and play with your child.   Show your child that they are special and treasured all year long.  That way they will know that you love them, and that God loves them.  In the end, I’m thankful for Mattie’s dive bomb.  It woke me up.  It reminded me of some important truths that apply to all of us even if it rang my bell a bit.

Thanks, Lord, for Mattie, and how she challenges me.  Thank you for making me sensitive to Your voice coming through a child.  I guess maybe I don’t need that helmet after all.

How do I raise a Mary, Lord…

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Mary

The other day, while driving, my daughter and I were discussing what song we might like to sing together for the annual Julatta service at our church.  For those of you who don’t live in a area predominantly filled with Swedish descendents, Julatta is a candlelight service that is held before sunrise on Christmas morning.  It’s a time that we gather as a church and focus on Christ and the miracle of His birth.  It’s beautiful, and the best way to start Christmas.  I’m not Swedish, but I love our little community and its wonderful traditions.  While Mattie and I were driving, we discussed one of my favorite Christmas songs, “Mary Did You Know?”  It’s a classic and we talked about turning it into a duet.  But as we drove, a realization hit me.  Mary couldn’t have known.  She couldn’t have begun to guess what would have happened. She was too young.

Mary was 12 when she was betrothed to Joseph—as was Jewish custom— and would have delivered Jesus at 13.  My daughter is 11—just one year younger than Mary when the Angel visited her.  I always think of Mary as an adult—wise, and pure.  But, she was so young!  She may have been like my daughter.  Mattie talks to me about what kind of man she wants to marry (he should look like Thor, have Captain America’s morals and courage, be a Christian, and a cowboy—high standards!), how she’s frightened to get her period, and how she’s not sure she wants to have kids because she knows it will hurt.  She’s a normal, sweet girl, who has normal and sweet fears.  She worries about things that I know will turn out okay in the end, but it’s good for her to explore these fears.  I remember having them.  I remember not wanting to get married because I didn’t want to have sex and have a baby–both I thought were gross!  It scared me.  I remembered being afraid the first time a boy held my hand.  I remember the nerves, the pimples, and the anxiety.   Mary was right in the middle of this stage—just as Mattie is beginning it now.  She must have been scared because the Angel had to say, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God,”  (Luke 1:30) to calm her.  And what he said next, would have been terrifying.  “You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.” (Luke 1: 31-33)

As I look back on this time in my life, I wonder what I would have said had the Angel appeared to me.  Was I strong enough to conquer my fears?  Is Mattie that strong?  Mary’s answer speaks through the ages.  “I am the Lord’s servant…May your word to me be fulfilled.”  She took her fear, swallowed it, and took the cross that was assigned to her by God.

As adults, we know how hard life can be.  Not everything God places in our paths is easy—there’s a reason why life is often called a trial.  I wonder what Mary’s mom did that made her so strong—so willing to obey.  I’ve heard some mothers say that obedience is what they expect most out of their children.  I think that’s fair when a child is young.   However, at some point, we need to help bridge the gap between making our children do what’s right because we said it was right, and guiding them into the right decision because it’s their decision to make.

Working in education for the last 10 years, I’ve seen many Christian teens at this crossroad.  They are ready to break out on their own.   Some parents just let them go—they want them to learn from their actions.  They offer too much freedom and the world rejoices.  Others close ranks and try to keep the world at bay.  Rebellion undeniably is the response to both of these parenting choices.  I’ve seen Christian kids go wild because when they became teenagers they stopped getting parented. And, I’ve also seen Christian teens rebel and become sullen and angry because they aren’t allowed to make any decision on their own.

So, how do we help these tweens and teens to not just obey, but believe?  They have to know that they know that God is mighty and can do all things.  First, we can’t be overprotective.  The world is full of examples, both good and bad, that we can use to teach our children about God.  Shutting the world out and expecting them to survive in it after they’re grown is foolish.  Second, we have to let them take the walk with us.  They have to hear our fears, see our failures, and watch God take control and lead us out of it.  In order for God to be real to them, He has to be real to us!  If we want them to have a life altering faith, they have to learn it from us!  I’ve seen many Christian parents who try to have everything put together, but their kids don’t really know them.  They want to be a “good” example, so they don’t show their kids what it’s really like to have a real faith in God.  So, these kids don’t know how to grow because they’ve never seen growth.  It’s amazing what a real example can do.

I’m not saying confess all your deepest fears and frustrations to your children. That’s not healthy for either of you.  You are their parent.   But let them get to know you.  Let them see who you really are.  Share appropriate frustrations.  Let them see you cry.  Let them see you pray!  Let them see that miracles happen everyday if you let God lead you.  Don’t be their warden or their friend.  Be their guide.  Help lead them into the Light of Christ by following you as you follow Him.

I wish I could say I’ve mastered this.  I haven’t.  I have a tendency to be pretty authoritative.  But, if I want Mattie to have the kind of faith that Mary had, I’ve got to see beyond obedience, and start to see what’s at stake.  I’ve got to be her guide.

Lord, I want Mattie to be like Mary.  I want her to be strong and overcome her fears.  Help me to be the kind of mom that leads by example—for the good and the bad–so that when her cross stands before her, she’ll choose of her own will, to take it up and follow You.

I’m unpacking my burdens, Lord.

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I haven’t written in a couple of weeks.  In that time I’ve done a lot of packing and unpacking.  I packed a suitcase for my daughter to go on her first trip without her parents—she went to Amarillo, Texas, to the National Finals Ranch Rodeo as a birthday present from my parents.  I packed a change of clothes for my husband and myself to change into after the funeral of a dear uncle who died in a house fire.  I packed clean clothes and toiletries as we went to use the showers at a friend’s house when our plumbing sprung multiple leaks…again.  I packed to visit my brother and his sweet family in Kansas City, and this week, I’ll pack again for visits to family for Thanksgiving.  I think you can tell why I haven’t written in a couple weeks.

 It’s amazing to me how God uses simple—some would say meaningless—tasks and speaks meaning into them.  I have felt so burdened carrying around these  suitcases seemingly everywhere I go.   And, like He does so many times, God used that feeling to show me something about myself.  I’ve become quite the pack mule.  I’ve been carrying around many burdens that are only hurting me.  I’ve been holding onto heartache from a family member who continues to do things that are, from my perspective, hurtful.  I’ve been carrying the weight of my daughter’s whole future (don’t all mom’s do this…we worry about how we’re going to prepare our children for the world).  I’ve been carrying around the fear that, even with four jobs and faithful parents, we’ll starve.  I’ve been carrying around unforgiveness toward a dear friend who betrayed my trust.  Yep.  I’m a pack mule.

 One afternoon, while I was heading down to do chores in the barn, I was having a real gripe-fest of a prayer.  I was complaining about one of these situations to God.  I just couldn’t understand why this person continued to behave the way she does.  I was venting…and God whispered.  “That’s not your burden, Megan.”  I opened my heart and listened more deeply.  He said, “Her actions are her burdens to bear…not yours.”  How many times have I done this Lord!  I borrow trouble, or worry about all of the things other people are saying and doing.  I can’t control her.  She will reap the consequences of her actions, and that has nothing to do with me.  Yikes—that realization was a little humbling, but mostly freeing.

 A Bible study leader of mine taught once on the “Laws of the Harvest.”  I believe she was using Adrian Rogers’ template.  She said that there were three laws.  First, you will reap what you sow.  Simple enough, but it’s true.  Our actions have consequences.  Second, you will reap more than you sowed.  Yikes.  And third, you will reap later than you sowed.  How does all this fit in with me being a pack mule?  I have enough reaping and sowing of my own without worrying about what someone else is doing.  I’ve seen and done this so many times.  I’ve chosen to worry and bear burdens like I have control over the harvest of another person.  I don’t.  God does.

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11: 28-30

 I have a lot to learn.  I’ve read that verse so many times.  I’ve often thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I could actually do that?”  And, “What would that feel like?”  But I knew I didn’t truly understand it.  Until now.

 I’ve been experiencing a real revival in my heart.  God’s been doing amazing things.  He’s been breaking down barriers and building up truth in their place.  I’ve been seeing the world differently.  Very differently.  So, I’m unpacking.  I’m unpacking lies that I’ve bought into.  I’m seeking His truth instead of simply believing what other Christians have said.  I’m digging deeply into His word and asking the hard questions.   I’m evaluating my beliefs and asking “should I believe this Lord?”  I’ve asked Him to lead me in my studies.  I’m looking for a radical, life changing, faith.

 The other day my daughter and I saw a homeless person standing on the side of the road.  We see them a lot, and Mattie always wants to give them money.  I always say, “We just don’t have the money.”   And, “ We don’t know what they’ll use the money on.”  This time, as I passed, Mattie said to me again, “Why can’t we give him money, Mommy?”  I started  my regular speech, but I felt my stomach clench…which is a sure sign that God wants me to do something different.  I started praying, “God, what do you want me to do?”  I had a five dollar bill in my purse.  Not much.  But God was telling me to give it to the man.  So, I turned around and headed back into the parking lot.  Mattie exclaimed, “Are we giving him money?!”  I said, “Yes, God wants me to.”  I rolled down my window, and I saw a man who looked a lot my own husband.  He looked humiliated.  I immediately felt a surge of empathy.  He said, “Thank you so much ma’am.”  I smiled and said, “it’s not much, but it’s all I’ve got.”  As I drove away I began to weep.  Mattie didn’t understand and thought I was worried, “ Mom, what if he uses it to buy drugs?”  What came out of my mouth blew my mind, as it wasn’t even on my mind. “I’m not responsible for what he does with the money.  I’m responsible to God, and He wanted me to give that man my last $5.”  It was freeing and powerful.  I finally understood what Jesus meant when He asked us to “take his yoke.”  He offers such freedom, if we’ll just learn from Him.

 So, Lord, help me to keep unpacking my burdens.  Show me Your truth.  Show me Your will.  Show me how You want me to treat others.  I want the seeds I sow to reap a good harvest for You.

This week’s playlist:

Casting Crowns “All You Ever Wanted”  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ea-uQFPcvaM

Laura Story “I Can Just Be Me” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VRUU8UBXCk

Big Daddy Weave “Redeemed” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzGAYNKDyIU

Mark Schultz “All Things Possible”  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrW2Xwkhyso

Jason Gray “More Like Falling in Love” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXHxpLvv2y8

come to me

Lord, It’s Time to Clean House…

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Create in me a clean heart

I hate cleaning.  I admit it.  I loathe it.  There is true enmity between dishes and me.  It is the thing I put off the most, and the thing I most need to do.  I have to be very intentional about making myself keep up on my cleaning duties.  Most of the time I fail, but I give it a valiant effort.

This last weekend I set about the task of getting two things done.  I wanted to get my house, “back in order,” as I like to say.  In other words, I had a week’s worth of dishes and laundry and clutter to deal with.  And, I wanted to start to clean out our basement.  Ugh.  The basement.  Two years ago it flooded.  We stacked up furniture in a dry corner and pulled up carpet in an effort to save as much as we could.  That time we did, but since then it’s flooded every third time it’s rained.  It’s awful.  So, I knew I need to just pitch most of what’s down there, and like all housework, I’ve been putting it off.

When my husband and I went down to start organizing things, we knew we had a big chore ahead of us.  What we found was not as bad as I’d imagined, but a whole lot of work.  The biggest issue is the mildew.  It’s growing in a lot of places and it’s going to be a battle getting rid of it.   It’s attached itself to things we treasure and we’ll have to clean.    We’ve lost a lot of things—nothing that can’t be replaced but still it was hard sorting through some of it.  It also hit me, “why have I been holding onto this stuff?”  Much of it I haven’t used in years, and it really didn’t need to be kept to begin with.  I just didn’t want to see it go.

The song “Whatever You’re Doing” by Sanctus Real kept running through my head as we took on this monstrous task.  The specific lyrics that resonated were:

“Time to face up,
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears”

As I worked on the two cleaning tasks I undertook this weekend, I got to thinking, “What sins and issues have I been putting off dealing with?”   I began to ask God to show me things that I had been avoiding cleaning out in my heart.  And, just like I asked Him to, He delivered.

The biggest sin He showed me just reared its ugly head a few days ago, but it was characteristic of something I don’t like admitting I struggle with—my temper.  This last flare-up was about something very dear to me—my Bible.  You see, since I’ve been working four jobs, I’ve had to grab my quiet time on the go.  So I’ve kept my Bible in my car’s passenger seat so it’s easy to grab.  The other night my daughter left something in the backseat, and for reasons that make no sense to me, she opened the front passenger door and climbed across the backseat to get it.  Her hands full, she carelessly didn’t close the passenger door behind her.  The result was about 6 barn cats climbing all over the seats.  And to top that off a thunderstorm came through.  The seat was drenched…and so was my Bible.  I have years of notes in the margins, and memories that go with them stored up in that volume.  And it was drenched.  I suppose I should thank the barn cats for setting off the warning lights or I’d have never gone out to check it until morning—by that time my Bible would have been ruined.  When I came back in, I was heartbroken.  I sat down and cried that something that was so precious was damaged—at the time I believed beyond repair.  (After a lot of work, I was able to salvage it.)  What made me mad though wasn’t that my daughter had carelessly caused this catastrophe, but rather her response to it.  She said it, “wasn’t her fault.”  I blew up.  I chewed her up one side and down the other.  I hurt her feelings the way mine were hurt.  I was so wrong.  I damaged her because something I loved was damaged.  How wrong of me.

God began to show me that, even though she was wrong in what she did and said, so was I.  My overreaction did not give her a good role model for dealing with adversity.  Instead, I was showing her that throwing a fit when something upsets me is acceptable.  It’s not.

“It’s time for healing time to move on
It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It’s time to find my way to where I belong”

When we avoid sin it begins to turn into a similar scene as my basement.  We hold on to things we don’t really need—things that can cause damage if they’re left for too long.  They begin to mildew and break down.  They aren’t any good to us, so why do we keep avoiding dealing with them?  The worst part is that the sin we’re holding onto and not confronting can cause damage to other things that are of worth.  The mildew of it grows on the things we treasure—like relationships with our family, and with the Lord.

Avoiding sin is easy.  We just keep living upstairs and keep it up and running, but underneath, in the basement of our hearts, it’s still there, it’s not going away, and it’s destroying us little by little.

“Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender…”

Lord, show me what I can do to fight off this sin nature that I detest so much and avoid.  I surrender…”whatever You’re doing inside of me…You’re up to something bigger than me.  Larger than life, something heavenly”  Let me be brave enough to say, “It’s time to face up.  Clean this old house.  Time breathe in and let everything out”

Staying Alert in Christ,

Megan

Battling Bitterness

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“Break my heart for what breaks Yours.  Everything I am for Your kingdom’s cause…”

These are words to one of my favorite praise songs called “Hosanna.”  They have been a prayer of mine for a long time.  I want to be Christ’s servant in everything I do…it’s a tall order and some days a battle.  I’ve shared with you that I’ve been battling bitterness toward a group of people for a while now.  Two weekends ago God stripped that bitterness from me, and although Satan has tried to drag me back into the muck a couple of times, I’ve managed, with God’s help, to “not go there.”  It’s been a good week.   I’ve felt freer than I have been in a long time.  I can’t say that I’m ready to see these people and share a meal with them, but I’m getting there.  He’s answering my prayers to show me these women through His eyes.  He’s giving me empathy for them, and I’m actually forgiving them.  It’s something I wasn’t able to do in my own strength.  And, because it’s Him that’s refining me, I’m now able to help others in a way that I couldn’t help them before.  Amazingly He’s opened several doors to minister to those going through similar pain.  If these people had asked for my help just two weeks ago, I wouldn’t have answered in the way that He needed me to.

So, I thought I’d share some of the lessons God’s laid on my heart from my time battling bitterness.

1.     Don’t be afraid to tell God how hurt you are.  Many times we as Christians think we shouldn’t be weak.  This allows bitterness to get a foothold in our heart.  It’s a natural progression—in our sin nature—to want to lash out at those who have hurt us.  It’s not in our nature to “turn the other cheek,” and to forgive them.  But, in Ephesians 4:31-32 we’re commanded to, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  I’ve found that acknowledging my pain, and giving it to God daily, helps when I am hurting.  It also gives me permission to be okay where I am.  Telling God that I’m hurting opens me up to His will and perfect love.  Locking it all up means that I’m not okay with where I am…and this gives Satan a chance confuse and manipulate me.

2.     Have a plan.  So many times I catch myself running down a list of all the horrible things these women did.  I have found that if I have a plan to stop my thoughts from going down a path that leads to bitterness,  then I can battle the war going on inside me much better.  I have two verses that I claim regularly to keep my mind on the right track.  The first is Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”  Whenever I caught myself sinking into anger and bitterness,  I would repeat this verse to myself.  Then, I would practice it by listing all the things that are good, and noble, and true about my life right now.

The second verse that helped was Hebrews 12:1, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that  hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the   race marked out for us…”  This verse helped me to remember that when these women were lying about me, and plotting to cause me harm, that God knew the truth.  He had placed witnesses in the heavenly realms that would intercede on my       behalf.  My job was not to worry about what was being said about me, but to focus on the sins that were entangling me and to walk through this trial with God as my companion.

 3.     Happiness is a choice.  When life is hard, it’s easy to get depressed and angry, but when we remember that we can choose to be happy,  then we have control over the outcome of our situation.  So many times I’d run into people who had heard about what I’d been going through.  I would choose to stay positive in my conversations with them.  It wasn’t easy.  I wanted to bad-mouth the women who were hurting me.  I wanted the world to know who they really were…but by choosing to remain calm and trying to stay positive, I left a lot of doors open.  I’ve been able to help others through similar situations because they trusted me and saw that I was trying to follow God through this valley.
4.     Let the God be your Lord.  This is the biggest one.  It’s more important than any other idea I’ve presented.  Lynda Randle, the speaker at the Women’s Retreat a couple of weeks back, said, “Jesus was my savior, but He wasn’t my Lord”  while she was sharing her testimony on the first night.  This phrase stuck with me.  There’s a big difference between Jesus providing a way for us to get to Heaven, and us letting Him be the Lord of our lives daily.  He tells us we must forgive.  So we must.  He tells us that we must pray for our enemies.  So we must.  He tells us to cast our cares upon Him.  So we must.  He must be our Lord.

Bitterness is a stronghold of the enemy.  It is a dark place within our hearts, and if we let it fester it will become a barrier between us and our Lord.  God wants to use us, but He can’t if we’re filled with malice and hatred.  We can’t really see people through God’s eyes when ours are blinded by sin.  If we really mean it that we want to be broken for what breaks God’s heart, we must empty ourselves of self and allow Him to fill us.  So we can say, “Everything I am for Your kingdom’s cause…” Oh Lord grant me that privilege.  Amen.

Staying Alert in Christ,

Megan

Retreating from God

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I made a harsh realization this weekend.  Even though I’ve been closer to God in the last few months than I have been in years, even though this season in my life has me leaning on Him more than ever– I’ve been retreating from Him. I’ve been shying away when He convicts me in one certain area.  This area is tender…any mention of it makes my heart quiver.  I’m still very broken.  So, I’ve built up a shell around my hurt, kind of like a scab, or scales.  The problem is that the scales have gotten in the way of the wound really healing.  What I’ve done to protect myself has only made my pain deeper and last longer than it really needed to…and that all changed this past weekend.

Every year, since my first year of marriage, I have attended a ladies retreat with my church friends.  I’ll never forget the first year: strapped for cash, ladies whom I hardly knew offered to pay my way, offered to bless me.  I was too proud to accept their kindness though, and I ended up scrounging up the money to go.  I was so blessed by the experience.  I don’t even remember who the speaker was or what she spoke about, but I do remember going back to my cabin in tears and those same sweet ladies ministering to a very scared newlywed.  I just love these ladies.   I can’t speak enough about how having them in my life has changed me, blessed me…they’ve discipled me.

This year is my thirteenth year going to Retreat.  Every year I come planning to be renewed and loved on by my Heavenly Father, and every year He shows up.  I prayed as I entered beautiful Rock Springs that He would show up again this year.   I prayed that I would be His vessel if others needed help.  I prayed that I would be renewed.  It’s been such a hard year, and I needed to retreat.  I immediately felt the presence of the Holy Spirit speaking to my soul…I felt Him whispering a love song to me. I settled into my rest and was full of Joy to be at a place that has been a spiritual renewal for me for so long…and then, my sin nature reared its ugly head.

When I arrived at our cabin, I discovered all of the beds were already taken.  Frustrated, I went from room to room trying to find a spot for me and my best friend, who wasn’t able to arrive until later in the evening.  My frustration must have been pretty evident because one of the ladies from our group came to my rescue and helped me make up a rollaway bed in the living room next to a pull-out couch.  The thoughts rolling through my brain weren’t nice and are not worth repeating.  I’m working four jobs to make ends meet right now, and I was so aggravated that the fee I’d had to save, scrimp, and go without meals for didn’t even get me a bed.  I’m just glad I kept my cool.  I texted my friend, “I’m grumpy about [not having a bed], so it’s your job to make me thankful I’m here…K!”  I was trying to make light of the situation.  Her response, “We can deal!  Guess that means you will have to stay up with me in the main room till everyone goes to sleep.  LOL!”  I’m so glad I have a friend who understands me.  She knew I needed her to not empathize but to tell me to grow up.  It’s a real blessing to have a friend like that.

I wish this was the end of my grumpiness, but it wasn’t.  When I arrived at the dining hall, I discovered that one of the women who had treated me so terribly at my last job was at Retreat as well.  There are four ladies that I worked with who sinned terribly against me, and one of them was here!  At my retreat!  At the retreat I’d faithfully attended every year of my marriage.   She was like the evil sidekick to my arch nemesis, and she was here!  I felt my back tighten, my shoulders hunch, and the scales around my pain shift into protective layers.

I left the dining hall hardly speaking.  I probably would have been muttering had I spoken at all.  But no one asked me to, thankfully, and I quietly found my seat.  The praise team entered and I obligingly stood.  I was grumbling in my spirit to God.  This is retreat!  I’m supposed to be getting my spiritual tank filled.  “God, I can’t focus on you when she’s here.  My back is going to go out on that stinking rollaway too!  I shouldn’t have come!  She’s probably watching me right now, waiting for me to look like an idiot praising you!  She’s probably watching to see when I cry and when I don’t.  She wants to see me hurt.  She’s evil!  God why is she here!  This is so unfair!”  Then, the words I’d been mechanically singing broke through my tantrum.

“This is my prayer in the fire,

in weakness or trial or pain,

there is a faith proved of more worth than gold,

so refine me Lord through the flames.”

And the Chorus,

“I will bring praise,

I will bring praise,

no weapon formed against me shall remain…”

God spoke to my hurt.  “Child, I know you are hurt.  I am angry you are in pain.  My pain is greater than yours because not only were you hurt, but, those who injured you did it out of their own pain.”  And then, “You are here because I need to strip you of your scales.   You have to heal if you are to complete the tasks I have for you.  I can heal you, but you have to let me tear the scales from your wounds.”  I was sobbing before our speaker even entered the stage.  God impressed upon me the image of Eustace Scrubb in C.S. Lewis’ The Dawn Treader.  Where he’d been turned into a dragon and Aslan had to tear the scales from his body in order for him to be restored.  It was quite an image.  I prayed, “Lord, if this is what I must do, I have faith that You will do what I need.”

Since the time that I decided to leave my last job, I felt like I had to prove that I was right.  God has told me I was, but I felt that I needed the world to know it too.  He taught me so much this weekend.  It was a divine appointment. I’ve been frustrated because my husband, who has been amazingly supportive of me, hasn’t continued to let me vent to him about my hurt.  He has asked me to forgive them…but whenever I tried, I started going down a laundry list of all the sins they’d committed against me and my anger and bitterness would come up and I would quit praying for them and start complaining about them.  I have been trying to practice the principle of forgiving a sin 70 X 7 times, but I’m failing.  God showed me that I didn’t have to win.  I needed to be broken.  I can’t change them.  They have their own crosses, crosses of their own making to bear, and it’s not my job to fix them, or to make them pay.  I prayed that He erase the laundry list of sins they’ve committed against me from my head.  Little by little, God tore each scale away this weekend.  He stripped me bare of my bitterness and anger.

So much more happened this weekend than I can fit into this blog.   First of all, my back didn’t go out on the rollaway, and we even found a bed for my dearest friend.  She also continued to not let me wallow in my frustrations and proved, yet again, why she is my confidant.  Best of all, the messages the speaker, Lynda Randle, gave spoke right into my pain.  She recently went through loss and pain, and she shared from that.  Sunday’s final message was on healing broken relationships…talk about a God thing.

I didn’t go to Retreat planning to have my scales ripped from my spirit.  I went planning to be renewed.  But God knew best.  He knew that while at Retreat He could stop my retreat from Him.  As the last verse of that precious praise song went, “This is my prayer in the harvest, when favor and providence flow, I know I’m filled to be emptied again, The seed I’ve received I will sow.”  Thank you Lord for giving me fresh seeds to sow this weekend.  I’m now ready to accept the blessings you so graciously want to bestow upon me.  I’m empty Lord, fill me up.

Staying Alert in Christ,

Megan

Here are some photos of our beautiful Retreat.

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I’m trying to be a lighthouse…

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“We are told to let our light shine, and if it does, we won’t need to tell anybody it does. Lighthouses don’t fire cannons to call attention to their shining- they just shine.”

–DL Moody.

Something’s been bugging me.  Ever since I wrote my last blog, I’ve felt like I didn’t go deep enough.  Sometimes, when writing, we writers have to focus our work on a pretty narrow topic in order to really get the point across, and so sometimes the end result feels a little watered down.  I mashed up what God is doing in my heart into bite-sized pieces.  But, what He’s doing inside me is much deeper than what I get down on paper.  I know that this is what “good” writers do—otherwise we’d be so boring no one would want to read what we have to say.  So, I’m going to attempt to put into succinct words the depth that he’s been laying on my heart.

Jesus said His greatest two commandments were to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” And to “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  All of the other commandments are built from these two simple statements.   These may seem simple, but they are hard to live up to.  I’d challenge you that when you really look at your heart, you’re failing in these two areas just like I am.  It’s hard to keep your eyes on Christ and love Him first.  It’s even harder to treat those around us—who may be secular and not living like they’re supposed to—with the love we give to ourselves.  There are so many sins that get in a Christian’s way.  Being Christ to the world gets lost in translation sometimes.  We put people off because of pride:  we know we’re right and they’re wrong.  So, they need to just “get with the program.”  I’ve heard good Christians talk about politics in a way that makes my heart break.  Their argument was that they were fighting for the right things, so what if they stomp on a few toes in the process. What’s been bothering me so much is the way we go about making our point: whether we’re right or not, if we sin while delivering the message, then we’re getting in Christ’s way!  I’ll give you a couple of clear examples.

The first example is from an article I read published by Kirk Cameron.  The article was on non-negotiables for being a dad.  (http://kirkcameron.com/2013/09/8-non-negotiables-dads-daughters/)  It was a nice article and I enjoyed reading it.  Then I got to the comments.  A self-proclaimed atheist made a classic comment on the sins of Christianity. I read as a couple readers tried to minister to this man, but soon they were drowned out by the onslaught of attacks against him.  Here’s one, “Ahh, [name omitted] … you spew garbage. But, when one lives in the dumps, that’s all they know. Ain’t that right, bubba.” Yikes…my heart sank.  Christians were not behaving like Christ.  And the man’s response was right on the money:  “I’m starting to get enjoyment out of this.  You proclaim yourself as a Christian but conduct yourself poorly, it just provides [proves] my point with every insult, but maybe I should just listen to some of the Good Christians on here and not judge them by your actions.”

I see it all the time.  Christians are sinners, I grant that, but we let Satan drag our attention away from the issues—in this case a good article on fatherhood—and we drag Christ through the muck with us.  We tarnish His name.  I’m just as guilty of this as anyone.  I used to be a debate coach.  I love a good debate…but when I’m winning that battle by attacking the other person, I’m the one who’s wrong—even if my point isn’t.

The second example I found was in the article Why You’re Teaching Your Daughter to be a Mean Girl (http://m.ksl.com/index/story/sid/26861581?mobile_direct=y#.UjwuzhQsFjY.facebook ).   Another awesome article, and the author hit the nail on the head when she wrote, “Social media has created an atmosphere where people feel entitled to peek in on every aspect of your life. People feel entitled to say whatever they want. I cannot tell you how many times I have observed mothers, via social media, being downright nasty to one another about anything and everything. It is shocking and sad. But if it starts with us, it has to end with us. It’s our responsibility, as mothers, to do everything in our power to make sure we aren’t (even unknowingly) raising mean girls.”  I see this everyday on Facebook!  It’s crazy.  We don’t even know people and yet we’re attacking them. I fear social media has allowed us to devalue human life.  We don’t see people as people because we can’t see them, touch them, or be a part of their lives.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m a Facebook junkie.  But I do fear what will become of us as we delve more and more into a world where humanity isn’t tangible.

So, we all know there’s a problem, but, what do we do. Martin Luther King said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”  Profound words, and hard ones.  Especially when we believe we are right and we’re being attacked.  You say, “We can’t change this in a day.”  You’re right.  We can’t.  It’s a day-by-day deal.  My grandma always told me that I might be the only Bible some people ever read…I better get it right.  That doesn’t mean proving others wrong with my words, but rather with my life.  I have to live the life that glorifies Christ.  I think of how He answered when He was attacked.  He answered with kindness and love, usually with scripture, and He didn’t attack back.  You don’t find many times where Jesus lost his temper.  Every word He spoke had a purpose and He was never rash.  My interactions must be a reflection of Christ or I’m failing Him.  I have to remember His word and treat others like I want to be treated—not how they treat me.  I have to remember to keep my eyes on Him and love Him first and then put everyone else on the same plane as myself.  I have to remember to get the plank out of my eye so I can see clearly to help others with the speck in theirs.  I have to remember that when I am talking to any other person on this earth, that they are His child whether they acknowledge Him or not.  I have to remember that a gentle answer turns away wrath, and that sometimes I don’t need to answer at all because, as DL Moody said, “We are told to let our light shine, and if it does, we won’t need to tell anybody it does. Lighthouses don’t fire cannons to call attention to their shining- they just shine.”  I pray that my light is clear and bright for Him.

Staying Alert in Christ,

Megan