I have to admit; I’ve had trouble writing this blog.  I’ve put it together several times in my head and on paper, and it never seemed to work out right. I either sounded wishy-washy, or I sounded bitter.  It’s been hard because I am battling bitterness right now.  I totally believe God wanted me to write and publish my last blog.  But, it’s like He’s now frowning, saying, “Okay, you got it off your chest.  You were right.  You proved it.  You spoke it.  And, you’re done.”  So, this will be my last blog in this series.  I won’t be writing four; I’ll end it with two.  God is done with my writing on this subject, and He’s made that clear.  It’s my job to obey.  I don’t like it when I make God frown.

The other thing that He’s been speaking to me about is that I need to be honest.  I was part of the legalistic problem.  In order for me to truly be able to write this blog, I have to accept part of the blame.  I don’t want to do that.  I don’t think anyone likes taking blame…but this is particularly hard for me, because I bought into the lie.  I bought into legalism hook, line, and (definitely) sinker…So, for me to write this and really speak to you…I need to be honest.  The reason I understand and see the dangers of legalism are because I was one.

I truly believe that people don’t step into legalism on purpose.  I know I didn’t.  I stepped into it with a real desire to please God. I became close to a group of people who were following God with all their hearts, or at least that’s what I believed at the time, and I did grow closer to God at first.  Being legalistic feels like a call to righteousness.  But, what eventually happened is that I started to believe that I knew better than the Holy Spirit.  Instead of reading my bible and letting it speak to me, I started using it to find proofs for what I believed.  (Which is what I was doing in my last post, I might add…anyone besides me find it dry?  🙂  )   I started holding people to a standard that I couldn’t meet. I became critical, judgmental, and very un-Christlike.

I didn’t used to be this way.  I just liked to love on people.  I listened.  It was one of the things my students liked about me.  I would talk to them about how much God loved them.  I would show them God’s love by forgiving them, and by loving them no matter what they did.  However, the last year of my teaching, I didn’t do that at all.  To other people, I would defend my students and fight for them, but in the classroom I spent most of my time chewing them out for the very things I was trying to protect them from.  It was a vicious cycle.  They stopped believing that I loved them.  They started to rebel against me, and against God.  It was the hardest thing I’ve experienced teaching.  I watched them become the very thing I was fighting against.  And, because I was fighting against legalism everywhere but in my own classroom, I had no support system. I’d become the enemy.  The other teachers had become like Cain and wanted to destroy Abel.  I felt very alone.

It would be easy for me to say that the blame belonged to the other staff.  The truth is, much of it was.  My students had progressed through a very legalistic system—which is why they loved my classroom so much.   But, as a friend pointed out, I began to return evil for evil.   I was part of the problem because I’d stopped fighting the good fight.  I’d become the enemy.  I was just as bad as were.

But, there is hope.  In my case, God led me to step away so the school could heal.  The school has almost all new staff—staff that love God and desire to show God to the world (not just shelter their children from it).  The board also took my suggestions to heart and put almost everything I’d asked for into place.  It’s not the same school.  God used my brokenness and made something truly wonderful.  I can attest to this because after explaining to God how I never wanted my daughter to go back there, He told me that she should.  Talk about humbling. And she is LOVING this school year.  She comes home every day, excited and fueled. It’s amazing.  I pray every student is feeling this.  I especially pray for my former students whom I failed in so many ways last year.  God is good.  He has a plan for them, and even though they may not believe it, He’s been breaking away the legalistic shell (that I didn’t create but couldn’t seem to destroy) that stifled their growth and crushed their faith. And, he’s changing me back into a person who is just in love with Him…I know it, because others are seeing it in me.  I’m seeing it in myself, and I know God is smiling…

Staying Alert in Christ,

Megan

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