Tag Archives: Legalism

Lord, help me show her she’s enough…

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God's Handiwork

Before Easter I had the awesome opportunity to take my daughter to the “Secret Keeper Crazy Hair Tour,” in a nearby town.  If you have the chance to take your daughter to one of these events, please do so.  Don’t let conflicts get in your way—it will bless you and your daughter immensely!   One of the most impacting moments was after one of the speakers shared her personal testimony about her battle with body image.   After sharing that God doesn’t want the girls to be “normal” but instead that they should be endeavoring to be “Crazy” for God, the speaker asked everyone’s eyes to close.  She led the girls in laying their own hand on the area of their body that they don’t like—a place that they feel is unattractive, ugly, or not “normal.”  After doing this the speaker asked that the girls pray with her giving that area, which they have no control over because their bodies are changing, over to God.  She then asked God to clear the girls’ minds of the desire to be anything but themselves.  It was an amazing experience.  I opened my eyes, tears streaming down my face, to see my daughter looking up at me, tears streaming down her face.  Then I hugged her and prayed over her.  I believe it changed our relationship forever.

In the following weeks I’ve had many opportunities to remind Mattie of the things she learned and experienced at the event.  She’s battled hormones, a boy who put a mean sign on her back, a virus that caused her to miss a week of school, and then a double ear infection that caused her to miss even more.  She’s been weary and overwhelmed.  One day she said to me, “Mom, no matter what I do, I’ll never be enough.”

It broke my heart.  It also reminded me of a speaker I listened to at our denomination’s women’s retreat several years ago.   I wish I could remember her name so I could give her credit here, but I just can’t bring it to mind.  What she said made an impact on me because she spoke right to what I was feeling as a young married mom.  She said, “The world tells you you’re not enough and too much all at the same time.”

“The world tells you you’re not enough and too much

all at the same time.”

I’ve felt that.  I’ve felt like there wasn’t enough of me to go around.  Like I’d never be super mom.  Like I am doomed to fail as a mother and as a lover of Christ.  The world shoved works down my throat and asked me to “strive” to do better.  All the while I felt bombarded by the feelings that I was too “over the top,” or “too emotional,” or “too excited.”  I was not enough and yet too much.

What made things even worse was that those messages weren’t sent to me by a males-centric society, but rather, by other women!  It went deeper than just what my clothes looked like to things like how long it took me to find a Bible verse or what I chose to wear to church.  I felt like I had to constantly strive to be something I’m not—and every person had different expectations. I could never be enough.  I never felt at peace.  I still don’t, if I’m truly honest.

I remember being Mattie’s age.  It was a horrible time.  I remember sitting in my bed crying at night because the other girls at school were so cruel.  I was a hugger and I just loved everyone.  I remember my mother trying to get me to “just calm down,” and to “not wear my heart on my sleeve.”  I remember sobbing and saying, “but you’re asking me not to be me.”

“but you’re asking me not to be me.”

What I’ve been pondering this week is, “How do we as mothers do this to our daughters?”  Do I make Mattie feel like she’s not enough and yet too much?  If I’m completely honest, yes, I do that.  I don’t want her to be hurt by the legalism at her school, so I sometimes don’t let her wear what she wants—even if it fits dress code and it’s modest.  I’ve seen her respond to this by not wanting to wear her hair down so that people won’t think she’s too proud of it, or that they think she’s a “girly-girl.”

All the while, I’m telling her things like, “calm down,” “not so loud,” “act like a big girl please.”  I’m showing her that who she is, isn’t enough, and yet it’s too much.  I’m training her to do the very things that I have fought to free myself from.

I told you at the beginning of this blog that this event changed our relationship forever.  It’s starting with me.  I’m starting to say things like “If you like your hair like that, then do it,” and after checking to see if something is modest asking, “Do you feel pretty in it?  Then wear it!”  Now, I’m not quite to the point of letting her wear paisley and plaid together (because I have to teach her some decorum) but the point is, I’m trying to accept her for who she is—so that she knows she’s enough for me.

I’m trying to accept her for who she is—

so that she knows she’s enough for me.

Our Heavenly Father created each of us because He wanted our companionship.  He has a plan for our lives, and He never questions if we’re enough.  He never feels that we’re too much either—because He made us to be who we are.  He knows that we are perfect in our salvation from the blood of His precious Son.  So why do we let Satan convince us that we’re not?  Why do we let others do that to us?

That’s over at our house.  My frog catching, snake loving, horse riding, girly-girl is perfectly created by a perfect God.  It’s time I started treating her like it.

Lord, I repent of not showing Mattie her beauty that you placed in her.  Help me to see her through Your perfect eyes.  Help me to show her that whatever she does, if she does it for You she will be enough.  Thank you Lord for re-making me as a mom…I love you Lord.  Amen.

Staying Alert in Christ,

 

Megan

 

Playlist:

Jonny Diaz, “More Beautiful You”  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNqQUojBg84

Casting Crowns, “All You Ever Wanted”  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ea-uQFPcvaM

Big Daddy Weave, “Redeemed,” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzGAYNKDyIU

Lord, this year, I want to hide more…

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Rock of Ages

Well, it’s been a month since I’ve written.  I hope all of my readers had a wonderful Christmas break—I know I did.  Even though it’s been a while, you have not been far from my thoughts.  I’ve been praying and considering what God wanted me to share with you next the whole time.  He’s laid several messages on my heart, the one I think He most wants me to share is especially pertinent as we begin a new year.  I pray it blesses you as you bless me.

 It’s common and, I believe, good practice at the beginning of each year to take stock at where we are in life, and where we want to be.  We make resolutions to improve our health, set personal and professional goals, and we reevaluate our relationship with our Heavenly Father.  Most of us set these resolutions with the best of intentions.  Even if we rarely achieve them, we desire to improve our lives.  This year, however, I’ve decided not to make any resolutions.  Instead of making a laundry list of new goals, this year I’ve decided to hide more.

 Before you go thinking I’m going to become a hermit, hear me out. Throughout this transition period that I’m in right now, God’s been reminding me of things.  He’s reminded me of the time when I was driving down the road on the way to a job I hated when I prayed, “Lord, I don’t know where this road I’m on is leading me, but I want You to lead my steps.  I give everything to You, and I want you to use me for Your glory.”  He’s been reminding me of verses like, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” Isaiah 55: 9.  And, 1 Corinthians 1:27 “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.”

I know God has been leading me down a path of total surrender to Him.  And, that may look messy.  It may make no sense to the world or even to those I love, but I know that He knows best.

 Now that you know from what part of my heart I’m speaking from, let me show you an area He’s been refining in me lately.  You see, in this time of transition He’s been really growing me.  He’s been showing me that He really can do all things.  And He’s been showing me more of His heart.  I used to think I had all the answers, but during this time of regrowth, He’s been showing me how to love others like He does, and how to see the world through His eyes.  My eyes are sinful and limiting, but His eyes are perfect and are limitless.

 All of this brings me to my decision to hide more.  One of my favorite old hymns illustrates what I’m hoping to achieve.  Here’s the story behind the hymn. (There is some disagreement about whether this actually happened, but I’m including it because it’s a wonderful illustration).  Augustus Toplady, a young Methodist minister serving in England, was traveling home one evening after particularly hard day.  It’s not known exactly what caused his weariness, but being in his twenties and already a preacher, it’s not hard to imagine what he had dealt with that day.  Toplady was not a popular young man.  He was eccentric and often considered rude.  Though he was brilliant and known for his academic achievements, he wasn’t good with people, and he wasn’t accepted.  This day had been difficult for him.  As he traveled home, it began to rain.  (Can’t you just sense his exasperation at this development?)  Before long the rain was so strong that he couldn’t see anything and he was losing footing.  At the exact time he needed it most, he came to a large rock, and even in the dark and with the rain pouring down all around him he found a cleft, or a crevice, just the size for him to squeeze into.  It was there that he came up with the first line from his most famous hymn, “Rock of ages, cleft for me, let me hide myself in thee…”

 Toplady only lived to be 38 years old.  He lived a sickly life and had a short ministry.  However, during that time, he learned how important it is to keep Christ first in your life.  Toplady was known for being strong-willed and obstinate, but in his personal writings we see him as a humble follower of Christ who believed  that Christ came to earth as a “double cure.”  He came to save us from our sins, and thusly from hell, but He also came to save us from ourselves.  He wants to make us righteous. That righteousness comes from Him, and not from ourselves.  It means that I am unable to live a life free from sin, but rather that I must allow Him to live through me.  I must hide myself in Him.  I must hide.

 This year, I want to live in His double cure.  This year, I want to focus on Christ first; I want to hide in the Rock and take in the fullness of the life He has given me.  I want to know what it’s like to be fully infused by His living water.  I want to understand more, love more, and share more, but I want to do this centered in Him.  So, this year, I’m not making resolutions, but I am resolute.  This year will be better than all of my other years combined.  This year will be about Him because I’m hiding in my Rock.

Staying Alert in Christ,

Megan

Playlist:

Rock of Ages, Chris Rice:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvlUiE_QMbU

All You Ever Wanted, Casting Crowns:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ea-uQFPcvaM

Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone), Chris Tomlin:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-mNT0axB9U

Lessons on Legalism Part 2: Making God Frown

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I have to admit; I’ve had trouble writing this blog.  I’ve put it together several times in my head and on paper, and it never seemed to work out right. I either sounded wishy-washy, or I sounded bitter.  It’s been hard because I am battling bitterness right now.  I totally believe God wanted me to write and publish my last blog.  But, it’s like He’s now frowning, saying, “Okay, you got it off your chest.  You were right.  You proved it.  You spoke it.  And, you’re done.”  So, this will be my last blog in this series.  I won’t be writing four; I’ll end it with two.  God is done with my writing on this subject, and He’s made that clear.  It’s my job to obey.  I don’t like it when I make God frown.

The other thing that He’s been speaking to me about is that I need to be honest.  I was part of the legalistic problem.  In order for me to truly be able to write this blog, I have to accept part of the blame.  I don’t want to do that.  I don’t think anyone likes taking blame…but this is particularly hard for me, because I bought into the lie.  I bought into legalism hook, line, and (definitely) sinker…So, for me to write this and really speak to you…I need to be honest.  The reason I understand and see the dangers of legalism are because I was one.

I truly believe that people don’t step into legalism on purpose.  I know I didn’t.  I stepped into it with a real desire to please God. I became close to a group of people who were following God with all their hearts, or at least that’s what I believed at the time, and I did grow closer to God at first.  Being legalistic feels like a call to righteousness.  But, what eventually happened is that I started to believe that I knew better than the Holy Spirit.  Instead of reading my bible and letting it speak to me, I started using it to find proofs for what I believed.  (Which is what I was doing in my last post, I might add…anyone besides me find it dry?  🙂  )   I started holding people to a standard that I couldn’t meet. I became critical, judgmental, and very un-Christlike.

I didn’t used to be this way.  I just liked to love on people.  I listened.  It was one of the things my students liked about me.  I would talk to them about how much God loved them.  I would show them God’s love by forgiving them, and by loving them no matter what they did.  However, the last year of my teaching, I didn’t do that at all.  To other people, I would defend my students and fight for them, but in the classroom I spent most of my time chewing them out for the very things I was trying to protect them from.  It was a vicious cycle.  They stopped believing that I loved them.  They started to rebel against me, and against God.  It was the hardest thing I’ve experienced teaching.  I watched them become the very thing I was fighting against.  And, because I was fighting against legalism everywhere but in my own classroom, I had no support system. I’d become the enemy.  The other teachers had become like Cain and wanted to destroy Abel.  I felt very alone.

It would be easy for me to say that the blame belonged to the other staff.  The truth is, much of it was.  My students had progressed through a very legalistic system—which is why they loved my classroom so much.   But, as a friend pointed out, I began to return evil for evil.   I was part of the problem because I’d stopped fighting the good fight.  I’d become the enemy.  I was just as bad as were.

But, there is hope.  In my case, God led me to step away so the school could heal.  The school has almost all new staff—staff that love God and desire to show God to the world (not just shelter their children from it).  The board also took my suggestions to heart and put almost everything I’d asked for into place.  It’s not the same school.  God used my brokenness and made something truly wonderful.  I can attest to this because after explaining to God how I never wanted my daughter to go back there, He told me that she should.  Talk about humbling. And she is LOVING this school year.  She comes home every day, excited and fueled. It’s amazing.  I pray every student is feeling this.  I especially pray for my former students whom I failed in so many ways last year.  God is good.  He has a plan for them, and even though they may not believe it, He’s been breaking away the legalistic shell (that I didn’t create but couldn’t seem to destroy) that stifled their growth and crushed their faith. And, he’s changing me back into a person who is just in love with Him…I know it, because others are seeing it in me.  I’m seeing it in myself, and I know God is smiling…

Staying Alert in Christ,

Megan

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