Over our busy Christmas I had the opportunity to sit down with my mother, brother, and his beautiful wife and visit. This doesn’t happen often in our family–that we’re all in the same place, and we have time to just visit. My brother lives three hours away from us to the east, and my mother and father live two and a half hours away to the south. So we really only see each other on birthdays and holidays. So, this time was precious; however, it became stressful to me very quickly. My brother’s and my relationship has always been a bit strained. We’re just different enough that getting along wasn’t always easy. I’m betting I’m not alone in this, as it’s very common among siblings.
Our discussion was unusual in that my brother and his wife were discussing their faith—something they don’t do often around me because I can be overbearing and opinionated, like my dad. So the fact that they opened up was great, and my reaction to what they said will probably stop them from doing it again anytime soon, which makes me sad. (I really need to learn to control my reactions, but I digress) We were discussing grace—you would think a safe topic as everyone loves grace, and we are all three saved—and when it became “real” to them that they didn’t have to work their way into heaven. I was shocked to find that they had only recently made this realization. I immediately said to my brother, “How can you have sat through all of Pastor Bodenhammer’s sermons growing up and not have gotten grace!” Not a good response. My brother’s face immediately changed from enthusiasm over this new and wonderful revelation, to a shut-off, defensive wall. I realized once again that I had blown a great opportunity to connect with him. Why is it that we so often miss the opportunities to bless our own family? I could get into analyzing sibling relationships, but I won’t, because that’s not the point of this blog.
However, this whole discussion got me to thinking (more like ranting, and yes, I need to work on that too) about why people who have the same upbringing, sit in the same pew, go to the same youth groups, and gave their lives to the same God, don’t know Him the same way. How did my brother, who was saved the Sunday before I was, hear doctrine when I heard grace!? I also got to thinking…if my brother didn’t get it when he was raised just like I was, then there’s a chance my daughter might not get it either…and “what do I need to do to make sure she ‘gets’ grace?” So, like I do when I’m not sure about something, I started doing some research. I discovered this isn’t a new problem. One of my favorite Baptist preachers, Charles Spurgeon, gave a sermon about this very thing on May 8th 1887:
“The people to whom I am referring really listen to what the preacher has to say; they are attentive, and they seek to retain in their memories the truths he preaches. They even talk when they are at home of the striking passages, if such there be, in what they have heard. You would suppose that such persons would get a blessing from the gospel; yet they do not.” (http://www.newsforchristians.com/spurgeon/chs2411.html)
Spurgeon goes on to discuss this phenomenon and then speaks directly to the hearer in hopes of breaking through the “thick scales” on their eyes. However, I’m not going to reteach what has already been taught. I do recommend you take a look at the sermon, like most of his writings, it’s insightful. I do want to spend some time analyzing the issue.
First, after I’d left the room, my brother confessed to my mother that he didn’t remember any sermon that was taught when he was a child. The only thing he really remembered was a visual using a glass of water and an egg about baptism. What my brother heard was a message on why we believe in immersion (doctrine), and what I heard that day was a message on the internal transformation salvation brings us. So that leads me to my first conclusion.
Not everyone learns the same way. This is a “well duh” statement, but it’s something I think the church is missing. Educators have known for years that we need to meet the needs of every learner in the classroom—we need to teach them they way that they learn best. However, many churches only teach from the perspective of one learning style. I’m a VERY auditory learner. I learn best by listening—which is why I remember so much from the sermons of my childhood. My brother is much more visual—which is why he remembers the example of the egg and water, and not much else. We don’t process information the same way. I can walk into any church and be blessed by a biblically based sermon. He may not get as much out of it, because he doesn’t function like that. The church he attends now, has video, light shows, a darkened auditorium, and active powerpoints to follow during the sermon. I find this distracting and, truthfully, annoying. But, he’s learning and growing there! When taking our children to church, we need to be aware of how they learn, and if the service doesn’t fit their learning style, we need to augment it!
So many times, we parents quote Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it” and we see it that we have to teach the kids, but when going back to the original Hebrew, the word train actually is the same word that is used for the process of cleaning out a babies mouth after birth. The word means “create an environment for life.” To quote Mark Hamby, founder of Lamp Light ministries:
“Training our children requires more than simply providing an education. We must create an environment of captivating learning, with experiences that motivate them to passionately pursue worthy goals. External rewards will not suffice; motivation must be intrinsic. We must help to ignite a fire from within so that the child’s passion becomes the driving force behind persevering practice that leads to the achievement of excellence. Turning passivity into passion by providing experiences that cultivate their taste for what is Godly, great, and glorious is the essence of true Biblical ‘training.’”
So, who is responsible for this training? If you’re the parent, the buck stops with you. Our job is not to just take our child to church and hope that it sinks in, or to allow our child to hear our discussions of the sermons. This only works for kids who have active listening skills. Our job is to stand it the gap for our kids. If we attend a church that doesn’t have visual or kinesthetic learning as part of the service, then we need to provide that. Show your child how to take notes during a sermon, or draw a picture with them that teaches the lessons of that day. Be present, and active. Don’t just assume because they heard it they learned it. My daughter is much like me in that she’s very auditory. She loves church services, but doesn’t enjoy Sunday school as much. The reason is her learning style. She soaks up the message in the sermon, often interrupting by asking me questions about what our pastor is teaching (we’ve fixed this by giving her a notebook and when she has a question she has to write it down for discussion after the service). But, Sunday school is trying. It’s a lot of reading, and with her dyslexia it’s frustrating for her. And, although she loves to draw, she doesn’t like structured drawing. She would much rather be asked to create a picture about the sermon on a blank piece of paper than to have to draw what someone told her to. So, what’s my job? I ask her questions about her lesson. We draw pictures—which I proudly place on our fridge. I’m active in her learning.
While sitting in a service, I think there’s something that’s even deeper that we sometimes miss. We assume that our children “got” the message because we did. We forget that they are not adults, and that they process things differently. I’ve noticed this a lot with my daughter. I’ll visit with her about the sermon and she pulled something completely different out of it than I did. This is good, but it shows that we need to assume nothing, and actually converse with our children—every day—about the things God is doing in our lives. If we don’t, we may find that they’re in their mid-thirties and just now “getting” grace—or worse, they may never get it at all.
Lord, help me to see beyond the day-to-day and see the eternal. Thank you for my brother’s growth. I praise you that his walk has become one of joy and service to You. Help me to show my daughter Your grace and love everyday. I want her to know You Lord. Amen
Playlist:
Chris Tomlin, Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone,) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jbe7OruLk8I
Mark Shultz, I Am, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hILaSh78yHQ
Casting Crowns, Stained Glass Masquerade, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzKOrlPuWzo
Staying Alert in Christ,
Megan
Staying Alert 